Sustained by Love

I had a miscarriage over ten years ago, so in order to tell the details of this story, I had to dig through old journals until I found the entry I wrote detailing my experience. I share that journal entry now, dated January 14, 2016, fully recognizing that what really helped me through my miscarriage was my faith so my writing uses terminology associated with my beliefs. “From the beginning of the pregnancy, things never felt right. I had very mild cramping the week I missed my period, and I had some bleeding around 6 weeks. Without getting an ultrasound, we waited until I was at 10 weeks to listen for the heart tones. We didn’t hear anything, so we waited another week and tried again. Still nothing, so we did an ultrasound and were able to see that the embryo had stopped developing at 8 weeks. I had a D&C (dilation and curettage). This has been a special journey for me. I know the Holy Ghost has been with me throughout it all, giving me quiet confirmations and assurances so that when we did finally determine I had miscarried, I was prepared for it. It was, however, difficult to watch the ultrasound. I am grateful to have learned more keenly what a miracle childbirth and conception really is and that God is at the helm. As much as I gain strength and peace from knowing that our lives have divine meaning, purpose, and direction, and as much as I trust in the Lord’s will for our good, I have found the greatest comfort in knowing that the Lord loves me, that I am His child. As I experience pain and heartache, He does too. He already experienced it through the Atonement. I know through all of this, He has had His arms around me. He loves me. That has been such a tremendous source of strength—knowing that I am a daughter of God. I do feel as if this experience has strengthened my relationship with my Savior. I feel closer to Him in that I’m grateful to have gone through all of these things associated with a miscarriage so maybe someday I can provide comfort and assurance to someone going through the same thing—that I can be a listening, understanding ear, or perhaps provide assurance that a D&C is not a scary, painful, big thing.” The journal entry goes on to record my feelings of gratitude for the miracle of our then 1 ½ year old daughter and for how calm and supportive my husband was throughout the miscarriage. I finished by writing, “I hope all of this makes some sense. I just wanted to record my feelings and testimony. I can’t imagine how challenging it would be to go through something like this without knowing of the Lord’s love for you.” Despite what your personal beliefs may be, I do hope that anyone experiencing the loss of a pregnancy can be sustained by the support of friends, family, or, as I experienced, faith in a loving Father in Heaven, that can help them feel how loved and significant they are. I do remember that when I had my miscarriage, I didn’t tell many of my friends what happened. I really recall only telling one of my closest friends that I was having a D&C. I don’t know why I didn’t share at the time, but as the years have passed, and I have met more and more women who have experienced miscarriages, I have found kinship in sharing with them. I have felt connected and a part of a support system built upon personal experience. For me, it has been a way of letting others know they are not alone.