In my second pregnancy (I have one living child) I felt waaay more nauseated than with my first baby. That's why I asked my ObGyn to check that there's only one baby inside of me. Because - and I so hate to confess that now - i really hoped that there was only one. I couldn't imagine having twins, I used to be really scared of the doubled stress and sleep-deprivation. She checked and confirmed that there was only one baby. The relief. One strong heartbeat. The very last day of week twelve I woke up and felt weird. Just weird. I went to the toilet and saw mild spotting. I really didn't think much of it since I was told several times that that could happen and it almost always can be very easily explained. I went to my ObGyn just to make sure. In the waiting room (approx. one hour) I very often skipped from almost relaxed to panic and back. The doctor didn't seem very concerned when I told her about the spotting and also just wanted to make sure everything was alright. And then, during the examination, those words. "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." The world stops turning. The brain stops working. The words echo in my head, over and over, THERE IS NO HEARTBEAT! My eyes look at the screen. There is no heartbeat. I am filled with this new mixture of strange non-feeling and panic at the same time. The doctor measured my baby. My precious, beloved baby. I realise that it is too small and that's all I can say. "It's too small, isn't it?" "Yes, and I see no head". WHAT?! It's the first of many very cold-hearted sentences I will hear the next weeks and months. There was a head, I know that because it was measured the last time a had lain there. Somehow I leave the doctor's office and find my way home. I have to call hospitals and say the sentence I will be forced to repeat several times that day: "My name is xy. I am pregnant but the baby doesn't live anymore." The third hospital agrees to see me that day. During the examination at the hospital: the doctor is so incredibly patient and searches for so long to find a heartbeat.. Instead, he and I see something different: a twin. I am pregnant with two babies. None of them has a heartbeat. A whole new level of panic and grief. A curettage is recommended. Had I known everything I know today, I wouldn't have agreed. I call my mom. The first words that leave my mouth are "I would have taken them both!" I cannot describe how bad I felt for wishing that it's only one baby. I had three hours left with them. Sitting on a bed in the maternity ward, I caressed my belly and sang to my babies. After the procedure, a doctor comes to see me and tells me that "everything went great, we removed a lot of tissue". No words about my babies. Ten (ten!) weeks later, all the examinations are over. The pregnancy hormones are down to zero and the ultrasound shows no signs of pregnancy anymore. Due to Covid-19, the funeral needs to be pushed from april to september. On september 3rd, my babies were buried together with all the other babies that didn't live past week 24 in that year in that hospital (the german laws for what happens to those little bodies are very strict and differ a lot between the federal states). I love my children. All three of them. And I so wish I could hold all of them in my arms <3 <3 <3
What Has Helped You Heal?
I always felt that my toddler's heart was made out of a little piece of my own heart. I had that same feeling during my second pregnancy. That's why I bought a ring that is put together by connected little hearts. I had three of them filled with the same material the ring is made of and that ring is me carrying all of my children every day. I love it. "Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear. They were never cold, never hungry, never alone. And most importantly they knew love." J. C. C. "Maybe their souls only needed a nice, warm, loving belly for twelve weeks." That is so heartwarming to me.